I played golf once

Some friends of mine offered to show me how to play. Early one morning they took me to an easy course of par 3 holes. The first hole had a water hazard, but was otherwise straightforward. I made the cup in just 45 strokes, having lost only 11 balls in the water.

As we worked our way around the course, I continued to perform at the same level of proficiency. This must have been relatively good for a beginner, since my friends commented that they had never seen such a result before, and that they had never imagined anyone could have such aptitude for the game.

The experience taught me that golf is a game that brings happiness. My friends were full of good cheer all day, smiling and chuckling as we played. Despite their heartwarming laughter, I had to withdraw before completing the front nine. I was not used to being out on the links, and lacked the stamina to continue. Besides, it was getting too dark to see the ball.

Sadly, I have not continued to play golf. I'm afraid it is a game for the rich: For a man of my means, the cost of replacement balls is prohibitive.

Why do you think they call 'em "aliens?"

Ever wonder why they call Mexicans who cross the US border looking for work "aliens?" Why don't they just call them "foreigners" or "Mexicans?" Well, I figured it out: They really are aliens! (Shh! The government doesn't want us to know.)

It makes perfect sense, you know. By disguising themselves as low-wage laborers, they can observe us unobtrusively, since we tend not to pay much attention to them. It fits perfectly into their diabolical plan for interplanetary conquest!

There's evidence, too. You know where Area 51 is? It's out there in the west somewhere! That's where the aliens get in...out there in the west somewhere. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!

And them flying saucers...they don't look much like saucers to me. You know what they look like? They look like sombreros, that's what! Coincidence? Ha!

And that's not all. Get this: We hired a Mexican guy to mow our lawn once. He kept talking about mowing the sacate. What the heck is sacate? "Lawn" is césped. But think about it: No grass grows on Mars. None at all! A Martian probably wouldn't even know the word césped. What more proof do you need?

We don't need a fence along the border. We need more radio telescopes! I'm gonna get me some tin foil and coat hangers and build a few of them buggers right now! Ain't no flies on me, man!

Scientists to invent time machine in near future

So says an Onion-like yet perfectly serious Pravda headline dated November 1. OTOH, if the article is correct, dates are irrelevant. The prediction is hard to disprove. According to the article, (a) time travel is possible only into the future, (b) outside observers won't be able to detect a time traveller, and (c) cause and effect relationships apply both forward and backward in time, making it impossible to change anything.

Rules is rules

They're not following the rules at the company where I work.

There's a sign on the microwave oven that reads, "Glass or Tupperware containers only." I heated my lunch in a Rubbermaid container, and no one complained.

There's a sign on the refrigerator that reads, "If any items are left in the refrigerator on Friday, it will be removed." Yet, the refrigerator still stands.

It's this sort of carelessness that leads to the downfall of a great nation.

Personality conflict

I took the Famous Leader Test at Similar Minds and it told me the world leader whose personality is most similar to my own is Saddam Hussein.

That can't be right. I guess I'll have to gas the folks at Similar Minds until they change their test.